They see me alone and their eyes grow big...
Especially in India. They see me alone and their eyes grow big.. and I've been told I should go back to America, get married, and then come back later. I remember being so mad at that.. I understood the logic, but sometimes God isn't always logical. Miracles aren't logical. Faith isn't logical. God isn't even always logical when we think about Him and Who He is but even tho it isn't logical, it all makes sense to me!
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I will tell you.. Part of me has always been kind of this independent girl. I secretly admired girls who went and did amazing things for God on their own. I wanted to be just like that, but I was also very fearful of doing it. I don't like change, and this kind of thing wasn't easy for me even tho I desired it.
In 2011 God spoke to me, and told me He will send me to India alone. He showed me that I had no idea what dependency on Him was..and when I went to India I would understand.
It took 2 and a half years to get here from that point.. but I never forgot it. Maybe I could have waited, gotten married, and then come. That makes sense and sounds like the "safe" way to do this. What I realize about God is not everything He asks us to do is safe. He promises to be there with us every step of the way though.
So when I came on February 18th, I came with this word in my mind.. Dependency.
The first 3 weeks I wasn't depending on God tho. I stayed with friends, and fully depended on them in my some what "shocked" state. It wasn't until about 1 month in, I moved into my own apartment. The first evening I sat down on my cushion on the floor, made some dinner, stared at blank walls That's when I felt lonely.
In NYC, when I felt lonely I just went out into my living room and talked to my roomies. In fact, my whole entire life if I was lonely there was always someone physically there for me to turn to. Sure, we might encourage each other in the Lord.. but the concept of turning to Him and depending on Him alone wasn't exactly a reality to me. I know that might sound weird, but if you think of your own life you might relate.
A few days later I got horribly sick. All night long.. was in the worst pain, fever, throwing up, etc etc The first thing I wanted to do was call someone. Or tell someone to pray for me Each time I went to the toilet to throw up, I heard God.. He said "I'm here." I ignored it. I would lay back down with the chills thinking about what I should do. Until about the 5th or 6th time I finally said "Ok God.." and He said "You have to depend on me now."
Immediately I felt peace. I still called some friends and got some help, but that was a defining moment.
From that moment on I kind of dropped off the radar from friends here.. I realized God was taking me into a season of depending on Him alone.
To depend on Him, it requires a lot of trust.. It requires saying "ok.. I have no idea what's happening, but I trust you."
The next 3-4 months we're SO difficult, SO lonely, SO hot but I grew more in love with God than I ever have been in my life! He began to show me so many things about how He will use me here.. He began to show me all the things I thought we're His plans, but that we're my plans.. and how His we're going to be so much better if I trust Him.
I can honestly say, He actually became my best friend for the first time in my entire life and I'm not saying it because it's what you say as a good christian girl.
I have learned to trust Him so much, that I know when He is speaking to me.. it's no longer that doubt of "was that him? or was that myself thinking?" This has taken me to such an intense level in my walk with God.
Lately I've been facing a lot of unforeseen opposition.. Random things that I've never dealt with before.. lies. Stress. Confusion. etc oh but I have never been so thankful to be alone. He has shown me that if someone was here with me, I would have run to them and not Him. He has walked me thru this calmed me down. Showed me how all these things are designed to make me quit but to hold His hand.
When I grab His hand, and just stop worrying Everything comes into clear perspective. The big picture becomes bigger my heart starts to pound in excitement at the thought of what is to come.
I am surrounded by people I love and who love me now, and for that I am grateful. God has lined up things in the perfect timebut still, they aren't with me when I go home every night.. but God is. He is my forever CONSTANT. My forever LOVE.
With Him.. all things are possible. I'm thankful to be doing it alone WITH Him so perhaps I didn't come to India alone after all
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Posted in Churches/Faith/Religion Post Date 01/28/2017